Lullabies in Crazy-Land

Volunteered on Friday. Seven kids, five staff and me.

Movie time!

The featured movie of the night was Quest for Camelot - a lovely tale with lots of sword fighting, monsters, dragons, scary bad guys and the heroine's father getting killed. Yippee!

I had a 3-year-old boy on my lap and a 5-year-old girl snuggling next to me. The boy was one of those kids who keeps a barrage of questions coming throughout the movie. I love that. Shows he is curious and paying attention. Sometimes kids like that get shushed for talking. I'm glad it didn't happen this night. I liked answering his questions.

The heroine's name is Kayley (I'm sure that Kayley was a really popular girl's name during the Middle Ages.) The knights are meeting and the bad guy starts a big fight where they all draw their swords. Afterwards, the Kayley's father lies motionless on the ground.

Boy: Is he dead?

Me: No he's just hurt. (And I get away with this lie because they don't show another clear image of his dead body.)

The bad guy has kidnapped Kayley and her mother and has turned some of the villagers into horrible monsters. Kayley gets away, but is chased by two monsters.

Boy: Are they gonna catch her?

Me: No, she'll be okay. She's strong and smart.

Boy: Will she do this? [Makes a punching motion with his hand.]

Me: [Hesitating] Um...maybe....only if she has to. Keep watching...she'll be okay.

Above is a clip from the movie. A lovely song sung by the mother as the monsters chase Kayley.

Kayley runs into the Forbidden Forest but the monsters keep following. Then we see the Damsel in Distress theme brought to a whole new level. This female character is so incredibly helpless, that she has to get saved from the monsters by a BLIND GUY. An exceptionally talented blind guy, but C'MON! (We don't watch the whole movie, so I don't get see if the heroine does anything remotely useful later on.)


They flash over to the bad guys who have Kayley's mother.

Girl: What are they doing with her mother?

Me: They are just bringing her with them. Kayley will save her mother...keep watching.

As usual we shut the move off in the middle (before the happy ending where everyone is safe and the bad guys are gone) and send the kids to bed.

Sweet dreams kids!

One lucky dog

Driving home from work, I see a loose dog on the sidewalk. No collar. Big, young, male Pit Bull. Not neutered. He's heading for a VERY busy road. Not a highway, but three lanes in each direction with a speed limit of 45 mph which means everyone goes at least 50 mph.

I pull over and get out of the car to see if he is friendly. He's not interested in coming to me. I see at least three other cars slowly following him too. He is keeping on the sidewalk, but heading right for the busy road. I drive up ahead of him and pull my car partway into a driveway to block the sidewalk. I grab some bread from the Indian food I just bought to see if he will accept a treat. (Do dogs consider naan a treat?)

He wants nothing to do with me or the treats and even though I try very hard to get him moving in the other direction AWAY from the busy road, he keeps right on going.

This is the busy street - Miramar Road.

He gets to the busy road and luckily sticks to the sidewalk. At this point there are at least seven other people following and trying to stop him. The dog doesn't belong to any of them. They are all just trying to help.

He stops near my car and two guys get out of their cars and get very close to him on the sidewalk. One says he has called Animal Control three times already, but they are busy. The dog is stopped and letting us within three feet of him, but he has no collar. We can't grab him. What could we possibly grab on to? We can tell the dog is scared and we don't know if he will act aggressively.

No one has a leash. I have one in MY car, but it's at the shop being fixed and I'm driving the loaner from the mechanic. Damn!

I take my belt off and start to give it to one of the guys who is already standing close to the dog. I'm afraid if I try to move close to him, he'll get spooked. I wanted one of the guys to try to get the belt around him. But before that can happen, more people who are trying to help, walk toward the dog and he gets spooked and gets moving again.

Then he bolts out into the street. Another woman and I follow him out in the street to try to get traffic to stop. I only go out into the first three lanes where I can see there is only one car coming and it's going slow. The other woman continues into the far three lanes where many cars are coming fast. Some guardian angels were working overtime tonight because both the dog and the woman avoided being hit by cars.

The dog then bolts back over to the same side of the street where he started. At this point, some people start to give up. One by one, the men drive away and it is now just me and two other women. What's that about? Are men impatient? Pragmatic? Quitters?!

I see a taco shop and stop in to ask them if I can buy a little bit of meat to use to entice the dog. They gave me a little cup of carne asada. I'm still driving and the other two women are on foot. I go around the block once and then stop to talk to the women. I give them the carne asada, since they are walking and might be more likely to run into the dog.

I then drive slowly around the huge block five times looking in every parking lot and sidewalk. I also drive into the gated entrance of the Marine Corps Air Station Miramar and ask the spiffy looking young Marine if he has seen a black and white dog. He said no and I was bummed that he didn't call me Ma'am. (Top Gun fans will remember that this base at Miramar is where they sent Maverick and Goose for their Top Gun training.)

I wish this story had a happy ending but it doesn't. We couldn't find the dog again. I had spent about an hour looking. I left (quitter!) and the two other women were still there trying to find them.

But wasn't it great that so many people were trying to help?

Lesson #1 - Keep a collar on your dog, even if he is just in your yard or house. How the heck can anyone catch him for you if he doesn't have a collar on?

Lesson #2 - We should all carry bags of ground beef or liver in our cars at all times. You'll eventually get used to the smell.

Lesson #3 - For goodness sake, just neuter or spay your freaking dogs. Neutered males are "less likely to roam, fight, demonstrate aggressiveness, or display hyperactive behavior" according to 50 Simple Ways to Pamper Your Dog by Arden Moore. Eighty percent of dogs struck by vehicles are unaltered males. See this link.

Lesson #4 - Women try harder than men. Or women are more patient than men. Something like that. I haven't decided yet what this lesson should be.

at the aquarium

Nieces in a bubble


My favorite picture from today

A spider's day

A spider


running from two crazy hoes


trying to save her egg sac.

And how was your day?

Where vegetables go to die

My refrigerator


And I had such high hopes for these when I bought them.


I was going to make a crunchy salad and add some marinated tofu.



I think the red pepper might still be okay. And there is some broccoli that seems to be hanging in there.





UPDATE:
All was not lost. I ate some of the broccoli last night and had the red peppers in an omelet this morning.

UPDATE 2:
The day after I ate the vegetables, I had what we will politely call some intestinal disturbance. I blame the vegetables. They were getting revenge on me - either for letting their vegetable comrades die an ignoble death, or because I ate them with no joy and gratitude, only begrudging obligation.



Got this picture from a funny post.

Science Saturday

Do you know what makes the steam come out of an iron?

No?

Neither do I.

My iron stopped working a couple of weeks ago. The steam stopped coming out. Instead it oozed water all over my clean clothes with an occasional pathetic gasp of sizzling.

My first response was to give it some time. Maybe it's just going through something. If I let it sit there for a bit and give it some space, it will work out whatever issues it is struggling with. This tactic almost worked. I was nearly able to finish the pair of pants I had been working on. One bottom part of the pants leg to go and it started spitting out water again.

So then I did what every good American consumer does - I went out and bought another iron. This one has Smart Grip AND a self cleaning feature. Ooooooh - fancy.

But I kept wondering what could make an iron break? How many moving parts could there possibly be to wear out or malfunction?

I decided to try and find out. I used the time-tested scientific method called - Rip It Apart and Look At Stuff.

A couple of screwdrivers and a wrench and here's what you get. So what did I discover?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.



There were no obviously broken or corroded parts or disconnected wires and that is the limit of my mechanical detective skills. If it doesn't LOOK broken, my scientific exploration ends. I considered plugging it in while it was in its disassembled state to see what would happen. But my common sense and rapidly fading interest in this project stopped me from going that far.

But the good news is now that I've ripped it into slightly smaller chunks, it will only take 6 million years to fully decompose in the landfill instead of the normal 10 million.

Here is a man who tried to go for one year without throwing anything out.

365 Days of Trash

Nothing to say so you get to look at bugs

Same one from Tuesday night. He was still there the next morning, so I had to take more pictures.

We can do better

Volunteered again tonight.

[Big sigh]

I have a feeling that this place is going to be a source of endless frustration for me. I have all these opinions on how they could be doing things better. But who am I? I don't have children. I don't have a degree in anything child-related. I've never had a job involving children - unless you count babysitting in my teen years.

But I just can't help myself. I wonder WHY are they doing this? Why are they NOT doing that? And this is my blog so I am allowed to say whatever I want, right?

After snack time. I counted. There were 11 kids, 8 staff people and me. Holy Almost-a-one-to-one-ratio, Batman! What a great opportunity to give the kids some focused attention. Let's each grab one or two kids, sit with them, read to them, talk with them, color with them. They have plenty of group activities all day. Let's create just a little block of time in their day where they get the full attention one caring adult.

Nah.

Let's sit them in front of a movie.

Again.

Just like last night.

And the night before.

And let's have the move be Mulan. And let's have the last scene that we show be the one where Mulan is being abandoned by her army buddies because they found out she was a girl. (A moment earlier they were going to kill her, but decided not to.) Let's watch all the people she cares about walking away and leaving her on a snowy mountaintop all by herself. Then let's shut off the TV. Sweet dreams kiddies!

Yes, it is a cartoon. And most of the kids are too young to fully comprehend the story. But I'll bet you they know scary when they see it. And sad - they certainly know what crying looks like.

So why?! Why even have movies that contain ANYTHING scary, slightly violent or with scenes of abandonment or sadness or bad things happening to vulnerable people? These kids have experienced loss in their lives. Some have witnessed or been victims of real violence. They've just been pulled from their homes and sent to to live with a bunch of strangers. They have no control over anything and they have no idea what is going to happen next. Their REAL lives are scary and sad.

Why can't this place be a true shelter from the storm - full of gentleness, safety and peace. A place where we deliberately filter out unnecessary images of violence and scariness. Where we wouldn't THINK of showing a movie that has any frightening content, even if it is a well known Disney cartoon. Where the only movies we show have fluffy bunnies singing the alphabet or a family of bears who take a vacation on a boat and have fun and SAFE adventures.

You cannot protect any child from every single scary or sad thing they might encounter in this world. And you shouldn't necessarily put them in a protective bubble so tight that they don't develop any resilience or learn how to cope with difficult situations.

But why don't we put a little more thought into the things that we CAN control with THESE children while they are temporarily in our care. These children are special. They need extra comfort, a little more nurturing of their fragile spirits, and lots and lots of gentleness and safety in their surroundings. We can and should do better.



It doesn't take a freaking genius to figure that out.

Even though it frustrates and upsets me, I still feel like I need to keep going back. Especially when it frustrates and upsets me, I feel like I need to keep going back.

Creepy crawly in my yard last night

Doesn't this look like the face of a monkey wearing a hat (and giving us the finger?)

Diplomacy

At work.
I get an email from a coworker requesting that I write a letter for him and send some materials to a prospective customer.

My first thought:
I am not your monkey.
Write your own stinking letter.

There is no reason he can't write his own letter. None at all. He has a good grasp of the English language and knows how to use a computer. Have to nip this one in the bud or I'll be doing all sorts of stupid crap for him.

So my diplomatic reply is:
Why don't you write the letter and I'll gather up the materials to send?

Can't you just feel the cheerfulness oozing out of that sentence?

He wrote his own letter.

There's a customer on the phone. One of our designs shows just a portion of a table with a cloth over it.  It is really just the edge of the table. There are dark and light shadows underneath the tiny part of table that does show. She wants to know what is under the table. She really needs to know.

My first thought:
Are you out of your mind?
Do you really have that much time on your hands that you can worry yourself about things like that?
Holy crap, lady - SNAP OUT OF IT!

My diplomatic response:
I have no idea what is under the table. We can erase that part out of the picture, if you would like us to.

I seem nice on the outside, but evidently my uncensored thoughts are not so nice. Like a chocolate-covered espresso bean. Looks good on the outside and at first it seems sweet. But when you get to the center, it's all dark and bitter.

Failure stinks

It is tough to be a failure. Especially at something so simple – like bleeding.

I went to donate blood this morning. Filled out the forms and passed the finger prick test. They were busy in the Bloodmobile but I had an appointment so I got to go ahead of others. The nurse got all the gear assembled and then hooked me up. I felt a pinch that didn’t go away when she taped the tubes to my arm. She had me squeeze a squishy ball every few seconds.

She came back and adjusted things again. Still feeling the pinching where the needle was. She looked at the bag and said that it wasn’t filling up. She adjusted again and told me not to squeeze the squishy ball so hard. She went off to do intake on a new person and then waved to get the attention of another nurse and pointed at my bag. He adjusted my tubes again and said something about her not setting it right the first time.

More waiting. More adjusting. More comments about my squishy ball squeezing performance.

Then I just ran out of time. Apparently there is a time limit. I didn't make it. As she and the other nurse were looking at my pathetic bag of blood, she asked me if I had any fluids in the last day. Huh? Do they really ask this? Are there people out there who do not drink liquids every day? I told her I am always drinking water.

And to myself I thought, "Sure. That's what it is. My blood must be the consistency of cake batter and can't make it through your little tubes because I didn't have a glass of water this morning. I'm sure that's it. It couldn't possibly be because you did a crappy job putting the needle in my vein."

Unfortunately, they couldn't even use the blood that they did get. Had to throw the whole thing away. My attempt at giving was a giant waste of supplies and everyone's time. I asked if I could donate again in less than 8 weeks, since they hadn't sucked so much blood out. They said no - I still have to wait 8 weeks.

It wasn't a total waste. I was able to sign up for the National Marrow Donor Registry.

www.despair.com

Mr. Excitement

At work I emailed someone with an address to use in case they needed to send something by FedEx. This was his exact reply:

Ok!! Got it!! I’ll make it known to the Lender as well. Thank you for the clarification!!

Dude. Time to lay off the caffeine?

Or maybe he has some form of Keyboard Tourette's Syndrome and can't help but hit the exclamation point.

I'm going to email him a phone number change and see what happens.

A better day

A better day in the Twilight Zone - and a worse one.

The better:
Again some older siblings came to visit the younger ones. This time they were given a choice to watch a movie or go play or read in the younger kids' rooms. They all chose to go off and play. The 6-year-old's sister got to read him his bedtime story. YES!!!!! That's what I'm talking about, people!

The worse:
Reading a bedtime story to a 4-year-old. It's an alphabet book with fruits and vegetables. When he sees apples he says, "I like those at my house." When he sees oranges he says, "I like those at my house." Then he says, "My Mommy wants me at my house" and starts to cry. He is standing beside his bed and I open my arms and ask him if he wants a hug. He says no, gets into the bed, puts the covers over himself, turns his back to me and continues to cry. I put my hand on his back and tell him that I know he is sad and I'm sorry. He cries and I sit with him like that and rub his back. He eventually stops crying and turns back around to face me. He wants to keep reading the book so we do. Then I say goodnight and leave him with one of the staff.

It was really hard for me not to start bawling right along with him.

I might eventually stop writing about this because I have a feeling it is going to be just more of the same. Many more sad, scared, confused children asking for their mommies. There is definitely going to be a limit on how many times I can tell that same story.

Just What the Hell is Going on Here

This place where I volunteer - sometimes it is like a Twilight Zone episode. Such odd things can occur. Things that just don't make sense to me. I have to accept the fact that I am not in charge. That I can't make all the changes that I would like to see. I might be able to influence things a little, but I am not there often enough to even know the whole story most of the time.

The joyful part:

The 6-year-old from last week is still there. He hugged me and said he missed me. I got to stay until they went to bed and read him two books in his room before saying goodnight. I didn't expect him to still be there. The more I see him, the harder it is going to be when I show up one day and he's gone. I hope he is there when I go back on Friday.

The strange parts:

There were just three kids in the section today. Four staff members and me. What a great opportunity to give the kids some one-on-one time. Nah. Let's just sit them all on the couch and watch a movie.

And here is a great example of how I can be quick to judge, but maybe I don't have the whole story. Maybe the three kids had a day chock full of great one-on-one attention from the staff. When I first arrived, two of them were helping one of the older ones with his homework. Maybe they had an enormously stimulating day and the passive activity of watching a movie was really what the kids needed. I might not have enough information to make that call.

I start to read books with the 6-year-old in the same room that the movie is playing. It's like a living room area where they have big couches. We are reading and pausing because he is getting distracted by the movie at times. But we are still interacting. Then one of the staff says, "Okay, no more reading. We are watching the movie now." Really? I can't read with the kid?!?!

[I start to hear the Twilight Zone music. Do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do.]

So I think, okay, I'm still with him and he's snuggling a little next to me and that is a part of what he might need too - some physical closeness with a caring adult. We can watch Will Smith as a cartoon fish doing silly cartoon fish things.

Then a staff person from another section brings in the sister of the 6-year-old and the two sisters of the 2-year-old to visit. These are older kids who stay in a different section. Time to stop the movie so these siblings can have some quality time together? Of course not!

[Do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do.]

They let the siblings sit next to each other on the couch and continue to watch the movie. The 6-year-old gets shushed by his older sister when he tries to talk to her because she's aware that, at the moment, they are expected to sit quietly and watch the movie. The 2-year-old is clearly happy to see his sisters but they also look like they feel they have to watch the movie and don't really get to give him much attention.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!? WHO THE BLEEP IS RUNNING THIS PLACE?!?!?!? Why are we not shutting off the movie and encouraging the older siblings to talk and interact with their brothers? Isn't that simply good common sense? I am convinced that at least two of the staff were enjoying the movie too much and didn't want to shut it off. Reminds me a little of the first time I volunteered there. It seems like they are used to doing what they need to do to get through the day and not really thinking too hard about the emotional needs of the children.

I haven't been doing this very long but I hope that as I get more comfortable there and the staff gets more comfortable with me, that I'll be able to influence things in a different direction when I see these odd things. For now I am just trying to focus on being there for the kids.

How many kittens does it take to get the Cheney stink out of the room?

This was Sunday mornings blog entry. But I didn't want to spend the day getting all steamed up while I tried to finish it because Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest and peace. So I finished it up later in the week.

***************************************

Sunday morning:

I was having a hard time waking up this morning. I was physically out of bed, reading news on the computer but my brain was only half awake. Then I saw this:

Cheney: Obama detainee policies make US less safe

Cheney: Don't blame Bush team for economic woes

Nothing like seeing something that makes your blood boil first thing in the morning to wake you right up!

I'll try to keep the profanity to a minimum, but I can't promise to control myself when a man who has had quite an enormous role in getting this country to EXACTLY where we are today will not just SHUT HIS #$%^&#$ MOUTH and crawl back into whatever hole he usually lurks in, so the people who now have the responsibility to pick up the pieces from the DISASTER that he and his pals left of this country, can do the work that is needed to be done.

Okay, Mr. Cheney, just keep telling yourself that you and your administration did everything right and that everyone else is wrong.

That the Iraq War went just as planned and when the whole shaky "democracy" that we've built there collapses in on itself, that it will be the new administration's fault.

That the illegal and repulsive torture which was done in America's name did NOT create more terrorists around the world who hate us.

That holding prisoners for over 7 years without charging them with any crime or bringing them to justice was a outstanding example of America's highest ideals and values, not a shameful abuse of power.

That lining the pockets of contractors like your Haliburton buddies with no-bid contracts and laughable oversight is just good fiscal practice.

Just keep TELLING YOURSELF these things if that's what gets you through the day. But STOP TELLING US ANYTHING. You had your time. Now is the time to sit back, shut your %$@&*% mouth and let other people try to rebuild the wreckage that you have left behind.

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Glenn Greenwald Column on the subject

And now to try to counteract the bad mojo that I just released on this blog, let's all take a moment and look at some cute kitties.



















Ahhhh... now doesn't that feel better?

No more poo

I just read some information online about how to stop using shampoo on your hair. Forever. You use baking soda and apple cider vinegar instead.

Why my family is going 'no poo'

A Non-Toxic, Frugal Way To Wash Your Hair Without Buying Shampoo

I am DEFINITELY going to try it.

Hey sisters - I DARE YOU TO TRY IT!

(Okay, brother too. I dare YOU to try it too.)

volunteer time

I volunteered after work today.

Little boy with the bright smile gets sad when I have to leave. He is about 5 or 6. We read books. He made me read Dr. Seuss at lightning speed and laughed all the way through.

They had just transitioned from the playroom to snack time, so it was a good moment for me to leave. I told him I was going. He gets a sad look on his face and says, "Why do you have to goooo?" I said that I have to go home and eat dinner. He said, "Are you coming back?" I said I would come tomorrow (and I will.) He said, "When? Early?" I said it would be later in the day. He was still sad when I said goodnight and left.

And it made me really wonder - is it a good thing for these kids for me to come, play with them for a little while, give them some loving attention and then leave?

They have just been yanked out of their homes and their world probably feels chaotic and scary. They have staff people rotating in and out of their lives every day as each shift changes. They watch other children come and go - the new kid today could be gone tomorrow. The are kept safe and clean and fed, but nothing in their lives is stable or predictable.

So am I just another unstable element in their lives? I show up for a few hours a week, play with them and always leave. And I can't usually promise that I'll be back the next day.

I have to tell myself that it does benefit the kids or I wouldn't be able to do it. The staff people have to focus a lot of their energy on running the place and they can't always give their full attention to being with the children. I can play with them, talk to them and just be with them. They can have my full attention while I am there.

I have to believe that any small, kind gesture - a hug, telling them that they did a good job, reading books together - can have a positive impact. I can't change their lives or fix their difficult situations. I can only offer brief moments of kindness and love - and hope that it will bring some small measure of peace into their unsettled lives.

The next day

I went back after work the next day. The 6-year-old was still there and he ran up to me to give me a hug as soon as he saw me. I just want to fold him up, put him in my pocket and take him home.

Later in the evening his older sister came over to say goodnight. She is staying in one of the other sections with kids her age. I am so happy to know that he has an older sister in his life. So relieved that he is not going through this completely on his own.

What you see is not what you get

String Bean Chicken.

Look at it. Doesn't it look good? It is on their healthy eating menu too. Big chunks of tender chicken breast. Fresh-cut string beans looking so fresh and crunchy. And even big slices of onion simmered in their garlic ginger soy sauce.


Look at what you really get.


Oh, the bitter, bitter disappointment . . . that is now in my stomach.

this little weed

This little weed. Reaching out
from a crack in the concrete.


Look what it has done -

found life on barely a sliver of earth.


I just can't bring myself to pull it out.

How could I?

When I grow up

When I Grow Up

In 5th grade, one of our class assignments was to write an essay and draw a picture about what we wanted to be when we grew up. I remember that I didn’t have the slightest idea. Was it due to a lack of imagination on my part? The limited exposure to career-minded females in my life? Or was it just a Zen-like focus on the present – “I’m ten years old, for Pete’s sake, how the heck do I know?”

So I wrote that maybe I would go to Jr. College and then become a secretary. My Mom was going to Jr. College at the time to get a nursing degree. I’m not sure where I came up with the secretary part – there were secretaries who worked in the school office and secretaries in the doctor’s and dentist’s offices.

When my teacher read my essay, she told me, “No, do it again.” I was a bright kid and she was flabbergasted that my dreams were so narrow. Of course, she said it in that encouraging, positive-reinforcement way that teachers do. But she basically told me that what I had handed in was not acceptable.

I remember sitting back down at my desk and still not having any idea. I was a very pragmatic kid and took things literally. I thought that I really had to KNOW what I wanted to be in order to write it down. But it was also clear that telling the truth wasn’t an option. I couldn’t get away with saying “I really don’t know.” So I made something up. Something I knew she would find acceptable.

I wrote that I would become a doctor and drew a picture of me as a doctor with a stethoscope and white coat. When I showed her this one, she was very happy. I could tell that she thought she had uncovered my real dreams. She was proud of herself.

I didn’t become a secretary or a doctor. But I did become very good at telling people what they wanted to hear.