Sunday, December 5, 2010

Michael Chiarello can kiss my ass

Photo from Food Network website
Looking up recipes for Butternut Squash Soup the other day.  And I come across one from the obviously deranged Michael Chiarello of The Food Network.  It starts out innocently enough.  It is called Roasted Butternut Squash Soup.  But once you delve into his brand of madness and read the recipe, you realize that it is broken down into THREE sections and includes no less than TWENTY SEVEN different ingredients.  Are you kidding me, Signore Chiarello?!  This is soup we are talking about, right?

Gray Salt?  Really?!  We have different colors for our salts now, do we?

According to the recipe it takes just twenty minutes of prep time and twenty five minutes of cook time.  It would take me twenty minutes just to round up all the different ingredients that this lunatic has dreamed up.

They claim that the Level of this recipe is Easy.  Sure.  This sounds as easy as pogo-sticking through a mine field with Clown Snipers trying to take you down with their confetti rifles.
Toast the fennel seeds, coriander seeds, and peppercorns in a small, heavy pan over medium heat. When the fennel turns light brown, work quickly. Turn on the exhaust fan, add the red pepper flakes, and toss, toss, toss, always under the fan. Immediately turn the spice mixture out onto a plate to cool.
Seems to me you might need the fire department on stand-by when you attempt this step.  Work quickly!!!   Toss, toss, toss!!!   I definitely want my cooking instructions to be imbued with the same sense of urgency required to defuse a ticking bomb.

How about this for an ingredient list?
Olive Oil
Butternut Squash
Fresh Ginger
Vegetable Stock
Nutmeg or Cinnamon

That's ten ingredients, Chiarello.  Ten.  And guess what color my salt is?

Honestly, Michael Chiarello would out cook me any day.  We could put him in a straitjacket, blindfold him, hand him a can a Spam, two potatoes and a Boy Scout's camping stove and he'd whip us up a delicious feast.  Hey, I think I just thought up the next Food Network hit show.  I would pay big money to see Guy Fieri in a straitjacket.   

Never trust a Clown