Saturday, February 6, 2010

Notes on a Colonoscopy

You'll be happy to know I have a very clean colon.  Not even a polyp.   Scientific proof that I am not full of sh*t.

I think I am immune to Demerol* because I was awake and coherent the whole time.  I was watching on the screen and it was awesome!  Like a  twisted Disneyland ride floating through undulating, pink-walled tunnels.  You never knew what was around the next corner! 

(*I might be impervious to narcotics in general.  I took Vicodin once for pain and it did absolutely nothing for me.)

One of my nurses was named Jeff and looked exactly like Chong from the Cheech & Chong films - except Jeff's beard was longer and more scraggly.

At one point in the middle of ... um... the journey, Jeff left the room and another guy came in.  I looked at him and said, "Who invited you?"  He laughed and the doctor said, "You're funny."

The procedure was not painful at all and there was only a teeny-tiny amount of discomfort near the end.

The worst part of the whole thing was that while I was waiting in the recovery area, I suddenly became very nauseous and broke into a cold sweat.  Then I threw up the only thing I had consumed that day - a few sips of water.  They said it was probably the Demerol (not so immune, I guess.)  After that I felt much better.

So the lesson, kids, is that if you are supposed to get a colonoscopy, just go ahead and do it.  It's really not a big deal.  And you can always ask them to load you up on the meds if you are nervous and not interested in watching the ride through Mucosa Wonderland.


Bethany said...

Glad you're nice and clean.
Thanks for the laugh.
Of course the meds didn't effect you, robot woman.

Ms. Moon said...

I keep getting notices that it's time for me to get another colonoscopy. The problem is- we're on catastrophic insurance now which means I'd have to pay out of pocket for the damn thing. And I have no idea how much that would cost. Thousands, I am sure. I suppose I should call and ask them. CAN WE GET SOME DAMN UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE HERE?
Oh wait. No we can't.
But I'm happy for you- don't you feel lighter in every way?

Kelly said...
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Bobby said...

Funny...when i had mine done they must not have liked my jokes, cuz they knocked me out cold. The Dr.'s last name was Tubia for crying out loud. How could i resist