Sunday, October 12, 2008

I am not a Kitchen Warrior

I hate chopping onions. HATE it. I hate the stinging, tear-filled eyes. I hate the smell it leaves on my hands afterward.

The cooking shows on TV make it look soooo easy. It's all a big lie. Those aren't people doing that - they're robots. Specially designed animatronic, titanium-coated robots made to look like humans but impervious to the evil vapors of the onion stink. It's the big secret that the Food Network people don't want you to know. Ever look into Bobby Flay's eyes? Clearly not human....just circuits and microchips. I'm sure of it.

But if I want to make vegetarian chili or try the Tofu Tikka recipe, I have to do it. I did buy this choppy thing that makes it much easier. Mine is white, not red like the picture. I wear latex gloves. I wear my glasses in the hope that it can act as some sort of barrier to the stink molecules reaching my eyes. I chop everything else first and save the onions for last.

This time I put the onions in the freezer for about 15 minutes because that's supposed to help. I peel them and chop into big chunks. Put the big chunks, a few at a time, into the choppy thing. I violently pound on the top of it a few times and the onions are chopped. I twist open the bottom part, spoon out the chopped onions, load it up with more chunks and repeat.

It's still not pretty. The choppy thing falls apart or I can't get the bottom part off or it falls off when it shouldn't. It always ends with me screaming and swearing my head off with onion pieces all over the counter, falling on the floor, my eyes tearing, my nose running. I peel off my onion covered gloves in disgust and slam things around in the kitchen muttering to myself while I try to clean up every scrap of this noxious bulb and vow never to cook with onions again.

I feel like I just need to stop my whining and toughen up. My immigrant ancestors didn't even HAVE a choppy thing and I'm sure they had to use plenty of onions to go with all those potatoes.


Bethany said...

Ggreat post. Thanks for the laugh. The funny thing is, I JUST finished chopping onions and I have a similar experience. Everytime I think, really, seriously, you've got to be kidding me, this is killing my eyes, stinging and just horrendous, how can this be necessary. Normally I get Susie to do it but she was cleaning the rugs. Can't interrupt that chore and ask her to chop onions too. I have one of the Vivalda Wizards and it's useless. Your kitchen Aide thing looks hopeful.It's a good thing I don't cook with onions much at all. But I made that veggie chili I was telling you about. Thank God it's over.

Anonymous said...

Soak the onions in water after peeling the out skin helps a bit. Something i learned in that life changing chamber that's call "Kountry Kitcken"