Michael Chiarello can kiss my ass

Photo from Food Network website

Looking up recipes for Butternut Squash Soup the other day.  And I come across one from the obviously deranged Michael Chiarello of The Food Network.  It starts out innocently enough.  It is called Roasted Butternut Squash Soup.  But once you delve into his brand of madness and read the recipe, you realize that it is broken down into THREE sections and includes no less than TWENTY SEVEN different ingredients.  Are you kidding me, Signore Chiarello?!  This is soup we are talking about, right?

Gray Salt?  Really?!  We have different colors for our salts now, do we?

According to the recipe it takes just twenty minutes of prep time and twenty five minutes of cook time.  It would take me twenty minutes just to round up all the different ingredients that this lunatic has dreamed up.

They claim that the Level of this recipe is Easy.  Sure.  This sounds as easy as pogo-sticking through a mine field with Clown Snipers trying to take you down with their confetti rifles.

Toast the fennel seeds, coriander seeds, and peppercorns in a small, heavy pan over medium heat. When the fennel turns light brown, work quickly. Turn on the exhaust fan, add the red pepper flakes, and toss, toss, toss, always under the fan. Immediately turn the spice mixture out onto a plate to cool.

Seems to me you might need the fire department on stand-by when you attempt this step.  Work quickly!!!   Toss, toss, toss!!!   I definitely want my cooking instructions to be imbued with the same sense of urgency required to defuse a ticking bomb.

How about this for an ingredient list?
Olive Oil
Salt
Pepper
Butternut Squash
Onions
Celery
Carrots
Fresh Ginger
Vegetable Stock
Nutmeg or Cinnamon

That's ten ingredients, Chiarello.  Ten.  And guess what color my salt is?

Honestly, Michael Chiarello would out cook me any day.  We could put him in a straitjacket, blindfold him, hand him a can a Spam, two potatoes and a Boy Scout's camping stove and he'd whip us up a delicious feast.  Hey, I think I just thought up the next Food Network hit show.  I would pay big money to see Guy Fieri in a straitjacket.   

Never trust a Clown

All Hail Kale

Last night's dinner: Frozen Grocery Store Pizza

Tonight's dinner: Roasted vegetables (beets, parsnips, turnips, carrots, onions, garlic, brussel sprouts - roasted with parsley, rosemary and thyme from my back yard) and store-bought sesame baked tofu.

Which dinner should I have more often?  Hmmmmm? 

 

The star of my night, though, was the Roasted Kale.  I have never eaten Kale before.  Got the recipe from Persephone's awesome blog.  It was SO INCREDIBLY GOOD it deserves those capital letters.  I can't tell you how EXCITED I am about how DELICIOUS it was.   Mmmmmmm...kale.  I am going to cook it every week.  It is a beautiful dark green color so you know it has to be good for you. 

I did not get a picture of it cooked because I ate it all up immediately.  But there it is raw, sitting next to what I think is a turnip.

I also got the roasted vegetable idea from Persephone's blog.  Cooked it for my sister's family while I was home for the holidays and they all loved it.  I wouldn't look twice at turnips, brussel sprouts or beets (yuck!) before, but everything tastes great when you roast it with olive oil, salt and pepper, and fresh herbs.  Really.  I promise.  (Even the beets.)

Thank you Persephone!

Party Pooper

Gross discussion of bodily functions below. If you can't handle it, stop reading.

QUESTION:
Should a person be worried if her (kinda loose) poop this morning was a bright red color?

ANSWER:
Not if she drank a huge glass of beet juice last night.

This happened to me this morning. When I noticed it, I started to think, "What the...." and then I remembered the beet juice.

Actually it was orange/beet juice but the orange flavor was nowhere to be found. Beets just take over everything. Like some obnoxious guest at a party who hijacks every conversation and has to be the center of attention the whole time.

I'm roasting a bunch of vegetables in the oven right now, including beets.

The beets had better not ruin the party.

Where vegetables go to die

My refrigerator


And I had such high hopes for these when I bought them.


I was going to make a crunchy salad and add some marinated tofu.



I think the red pepper might still be okay. And there is some broccoli that seems to be hanging in there.





UPDATE:
All was not lost. I ate some of the broccoli last night and had the red peppers in an omelet this morning.

UPDATE 2:
The day after I ate the vegetables, I had what we will politely call some intestinal disturbance. I blame the vegetables. They were getting revenge on me - either for letting their vegetable comrades die an ignoble death, or because I ate them with no joy and gratitude, only begrudging obligation.



Got this picture from a funny post.

What you see is not what you get

String Bean Chicken.

Look at it. Doesn't it look good? It is on their healthy eating menu too. Big chunks of tender chicken breast. Fresh-cut string beans looking so fresh and crunchy. And even big slices of onion simmered in their garlic ginger soy sauce.


Look at what you really get.


Oh, the bitter, bitter disappointment . . . that is now in my stomach.

Meat Gloves

These are my Meat Gloves.
I have a whole box of them.

I can't stand touching
Raw Meat.

But you've got to do it,
if you want to make
Meatloaf.


One of these days,

I'll become

a Vegetarian.

I am not a Kitchen Warrior

I hate chopping onions. HATE it. I hate the stinging, tear-filled eyes. I hate the smell it leaves on my hands afterward.

The cooking shows on TV make it look soooo easy. It's all a big lie. Those aren't people doing that - they're robots. Specially designed animatronic, titanium-coated robots made to look like humans but impervious to the evil vapors of the onion stink. It's the big secret that the Food Network people don't want you to know. Ever look into Bobby Flay's eyes? Clearly not human....just circuits and microchips. I'm sure of it.


But if I want to make vegetarian chili or try the Tofu Tikka recipe, I have to do it. I did buy this choppy thing that makes it much easier. Mine is white, not red like the picture. I wear latex gloves. I wear my glasses in the hope that it can act as some sort of barrier to the stink molecules reaching my eyes. I chop everything else first and save the onions for last.

This time I put the onions in the freezer for about 15 minutes because that's supposed to help. I peel them and chop into big chunks. Put the big chunks, a few at a time, into the choppy thing. I violently pound on the top of it a few times and the onions are chopped. I twist open the bottom part, spoon out the chopped onions, load it up with more chunks and repeat.

It's still not pretty. The choppy thing falls apart or I can't get the bottom part off or it falls off when it shouldn't. It always ends with me screaming and swearing my head off with onion pieces all over the counter, falling on the floor, my eyes tearing, my nose running. I peel off my onion covered gloves in disgust and slam things around in the kitchen muttering to myself while I try to clean up every scrap of this noxious bulb and vow never to cook with onions again.

I feel like I just need to stop my whining and toughen up. My immigrant ancestors didn't even HAVE a choppy thing and I'm sure they had to use plenty of onions to go with all those potatoes.